I’m pregnant and to be honest this isn’t your typical “I’m pregnant and so excited” post that you usually read on the internet. This is my pregnancy after a loss – a mid second trimester loss – and I’m scared out of my mind and excited all at the same time. Fair warning on this post it may be triggering for some of you and if you need to pass on reading it please do so. It’s difficult to write this post, however, I know how I Googled “pregnancy after a loss” on the internet for for someone in my shoes and if it helps just one person then it was worth it.
To say it’s been difficult to be pregnant this time around is an understatement. I had no idea that I would be filled with anxiety, fear and excitement all at the same time. I didn’t know those emotions could exist together, but they can and I know that I’m allowed to have them and let them all have the space they need. In 2020 we lost a baby in the second trimester, you can read my personal story here.
Pregnancy After a Loss
Getting pregnant again was definitely scary. I’m at the point where the innocence of pregnancy is just not there. I know way too much of what can go wrong. I do feel a little robbed of that pregnancy joy, but I’ve accepted that it’s not the way things were supposed to go and I’m ok with it now. While I would love to live in a blissful world where I have no idea of all the bad things that can happen, I don’t. I lived through the bad things and here I am just trying to get by.
When we lost the baby last year we decided that if we were to get pregnant again we wouldn’t tell anyone until we had our 20 week anatomy scan. That was the appointment where we heard the devastating news and that was the marker we wanted to reach for any future pregnancy. Keeping the pregnancy quiet was a way to protect myself. I wouldn’t have to potentially share bad news with anyone and I wouldn’t have to let people know how uneasy I was about being pregnant again. It’s a little weird, because I do have so many feelings of excitement, but I haven’t been able to let them fully shine.
Appointments are grueling for me and given my past circumstances my doctor monitored me much earlier than a normal pregnancy. Some would be grateful for that and while I was, the appointments are very hard. I work myself up prior to the appointments and until the 20-week scan, I couldn’t bring myself to look at any of the previous scans. I didn’t want to get too excited and I didn’t want to get overly attached. Time just dragged between appointments and part of me was waiting to hear bad news every time I went to the doctor.
By the time we reached the 20-week mark it felt like years had passed, not just weeks. It was hard not to relive the last time I was at the 20 week appointment. Same office, same room and very anxious feelings. I asked to turn off all the monitors and receive no updates until the scan was over. This time I had Mike with me (last time was during COVID and they didn’t allow visitors), which was such a relief knowing I wasn’t there alone. I literally held my breath the entire appointment and until the technician said everything looked good.
The baby is healthy and so am I! I felt a shift inside of me, emotionally, mentally and physically. I literally felt all the fear and worry leave my body. Now I feel like I can finally move forward and truly prepare for the baby to arrive. There is so much to do until our baby girl arrives in April. First up, get Lizzie into a big girl room to prepare her for her role as big sister. And next up, try to remember everything to do with a newborn.
Advice For Anyone Trying or Experiencing a Pregnancy After a Loss
I am by no means a professional in this area, but I can tell you what helped me. Deciding to have another baby wasn’t an easy decision. I’m a big believer in signs and was hoping to find a grand sign to help guide me. In the moment I never found a grand sign or even had a true feeling of conviction with my decision. In the end did it all work out? Yes, but the path there wasn’t always clear.
- Consult your doctor on when you can medically try again. Ask for a timeline on when you need medical assistance if it doesn’t happen naturally. Be your own advocate!
- Stay OFF Google, period!
- Meditate – I started to meditate to calm my nervous energy. I use the Buddhify app and really enjoy it.
- Fill your schedule, because down time is the worst time. Pick up reading or an activity to keep your mind busy.
- Limit social media – I swear everyone and their brother is pregnant on social media. I know its all about the algorithm, however once you are in it, you can’t get out of it.
- Allow sadness, but don’t let it overwhelm you.
- Know you aren’t alone. Talking about it with friends and family is something I don’t want to do. However, I did find a few internet friends that were going through the same thing and that provided me comfort.
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